The liars on LinkedIn aren't fooling me | Survivor coverage continues
I won't be convinced to love a job!
There’s a fresh chill in the air here in NYC and my neighbor has already adorned their street-facing window with a large furry spider and a pink neon sign that winks Boo. It’s not even October and I’m not ready to process Halloween as concept for adults, but in the spirit of exploring haunted places, I must draw attention to what may be the most cursed corner of the internet: LinkedIn.
Founded in 2002, LinkedIn was one of the earlier “social” platforms, created as a means for people to professionally network online. It went on to amass a user base of more than ten million within the decade while serving as a centralized location for recruiters and job seekers alike.
I was indoctrinated into the importance of a LinkedIn presence towards the end of my collegiate career when it was time to fatten ourselves up for the seemingly inevitable journey into Corporate America. I suppose I could have chosen an alternate, respectable path that would organically connect me to like-minded individuals with a realistic understanding that employment is but a necessary evil to tolerate for an unsavory chunk of our waking lives in exchange for the access to the luxury of an occasional trip to a beach or if REALLY lucky, a dentist visit twice a year.
It would have been perfectly fine if the website stuck to its roots and was just “the place where some jobs are,” but like so many tech giants, unsolicited iterations were imminent. Unlike other social platforms who were corrupted by the introduction of advertising, I believe LinkedIn’s demise began when it introduced a disturbing feature: the ability to post a link to a personal blog. Not long after, the company allowed who they deemed to be “Thought Leaders” to share original content with LinkedIn users directly. Game over, folks! We would forever be stumbling across a re-share of 5000 words from the likes of Bill Gates et. al on the importance of something like “fostering innovation.” Sir, I’d simply like to foster more money in my bank account.
There are many aspects to the platform I find to invoke chaos, but most noticeably it is the interface. Look how much is happening here, I don’t even know where to look on the page. Comment, Share, Like, Send, Apply, Download, Follow, Search, See More, Get the Latest, Advertise.
Give me a GROVEL call to action button or give me nothing! I’m not here to engage.
Aside from the cluttered homepage, LinkedIn slowly transformed into a perverted performance space where job holders are compelled to gush about professional accomplishments as they relate to their *shudder* identity.
I spent the better part of my morning coffee horrified as I scrolled through syrupy praise for new roles, career transition updates, big product launches, acquisitions, IPOs etc.
“I COULD NOT BE PROUDER to be a member of the Exxon Mobil family” - a lost soul captioning a link to a vague nod to climate change.
“Looking for more ROCKSTARS to join our awesome team!” - a former coworker with stress-induced alopecia
“Absolutely gutted to be moving on from Google to a new opportunity” - guy I met in a meeting once who hasn’t seen his family in 3 years
“It’s been the honor of my lifetime to have worked on this Dos Equis commercial that aired two hours before the Super Bowl.” - ex friend who I cut ties with shortly after the Super Bowl
Maybe you all really do LOVE your jobs. And I would be genuinely happy for you. If I actually believed you! But the gratuitous excitement about your careers often comes with the sincerity of a megawatt smile on the airport gate worker being reamed out by a drunk maskless guy whose flight to Cleveland was just canceled. It’s clear you’re under duress.
I get it, we all (most of us) have to work. But we’re not obligated to shout the core values and mission statements at every opportunity. We just need to show up on time and not accidentally CC the co-worker we’re talking shit about over email. That’s it!
[UPDATES FROM FIJI]
A complementary segment to maintain coverage of SURVIVOR SEASON 41. I’ll sneak these in as the season progresses, just to make sure you’re all in the know.
EPISODE 2
The proverbial cobwebs have been shaken off (still plenty of real life spiders on this island though) and we’ve moved past the ceremony of the game’s return. We’re finally able to get a glimpse of one of my favorite elements of the game: suffering. Remember, one of the quirks to the shortened time on the island are fewer resources like rice and coconuts so our three tribes are in various stages of hurt right now.
Ua is coming off a tribal council and Brad the rancher is paranoid after seeing his name written down. So paranoid that when JD and Ricard decide to get water, he races to the well before they get there to camp out in a bush for eavesdropping. He closes his eyes to listen because that’s what he does when he’s hunting. Cool! Not much info is divulged, but he makes an ill-advised decision to broadcast his intentions to other people on the tribe. The Mafia Pastor, Shantel, is already sick of his shit.
Over at Luvu, They’re pretty pleased because they won the immunity challenge and didn’t have to vote anyone off. There’s still a little trouble getting a fire going, even though they have the flint. That’s remedied quickly when Naseer—an absolutely joyful man—comes right in and gets those flames roaring without any tools. His backstory reveals a pretty bare bones upbringing in Sri Lanka with no electricity or plumbing, and he’s using this resourcefulness to his advantage. We see him gleefully find a large fruit in a tree and the tribe feels like he’s definitely an asset they want to keep around for a minute. Keep smiling, Naseer!
The Yase tribe doesn’t have the gleeful energy—or any energy at all really— after they had to relinquish their flint as second losers to the immunity challenge. Things get kooky when Xander finds a hidden “Beware” advantage and the cognitive ability of the viewer (me) is tested as we learn the rules. It’s a 3-way shared immunity idol that he can’t play until the same idol is found on both the Luvu and Ua beaches. Each tribe is given a silly phrase they have to sneak into conversation at an immunity challenge for the idol to be activated.
All teams must utter their respective phrases at the same challenge for it to have any value. Until then, Xander can’t vote (gasp). This dumdum immediately tells Evvie the news, thinking there’s a strong alliance there. Evvie immediately tells the other two women in the tribe to start conspiring against voting Xander out since Evvie is not interested in making it to the end with a man, since historically the odds are not in favor for women. Evvie is in multiple alliances and I’m looking forward to seeing them in a pickle later when loyalties. must. be. tested.
We meet Jeff at the floating Immunity challenge and he is noticeably hoarse (!?) but this is never acknowledged publicly. Perhaps he lost his voice practicing the newly progressive COME ON IN summonsing call, minus the “GUYS.” Xander tries to sneak in his secret phrase (something about butterflies and relatives) but the other tribes haven’t found their idols yet so he just looks dumb. The challenge itself is a textbook Survivor obstacle course: traverse mesh net > dive to release a key > balance beam > swim to platform > unlock puzzle pieces > solve a puzzle. A bit of a snooze but it always reveals the weakest physical links in the game.
Poor Tiffany (Yase) was the unlucky target of ridicule when she could not figure out how to cross the balance beam, with too much time spent straddling it and shrugging. Ultimately her confusion led to Yase losing the Immunity challenge once again. She would later blame her ineptitude at the beam on low energy and a frontal wedgie. Fair. Luvu and Ua complete their puzzles and win Immunity + fishing gear and they are pretty psyched.
Luvu has to select two players, one from the Yase losers, to go off on a boat. They pick Evvie (uh oh, power player temporarily extricated!) and then DeShawn from Luvu is like, “I kind of want to go,” so they’re both taken back to what I am now calling RISK HILL, because it’s the same grassy mound as Ep 1 where players Risk or Protect their votes. Evvie tells DeShawn about the secret idols as a way to make friends with someone from another tribe and she openly opts to Protect her vote. DeShawn Risks his, which means he’ll get an extra vote at a later tribal. So far Risk Hill is also very boring and primarily used as a time in the episode where we show backstory footage.
Back at the Yase camp, Tiffany lamented the riding up of her shorts as the reason they lost the challenge and got very paranoid about her placement in the game. Rightly so since the other players on her tribe were throwing around the “L” word (Liability) which is not a great adjective to be linked to you even if you’re blaming your shorts riding up for your balance beam woes. Evvie comes back and the women decide that Xander has too many future advantages and he should go. But then Tiffany is real spooked about him potentially having an idol and pushes the women to vote for the only remaining man, Voce.
At tribal, Jeff does that weird breaking of the fourth wall thing and whispers (not good for your ailing voice box!!) directly at us about how tribal might go. Yase rolls in to vote and Voce presents some analogy comparing the game to surgery, since he is a surgeon and wants us to know that. Fortunately we will have to endure no future metaphors of this nature because Voce is voted out by Evvie, Tiffany, and Liana. Xander could not vote because of the whole “Beware” advantage thing.
I still think there are a few too many things to keep track of this season and I’m looking forward to a merge of some sort! Also, more scheming please.